And then there were 2! I felt a bit more in control this time round. I felt like I had some experience of mummying and kind of knew what to expect. Boy was I wrong.
When my second daughter was born, I felt like we were more of a family unit. With my first daughter, I felt as though we were a couple and we had a baby. Now that we were a family of 4 it felt somewhat more complete. That might sound so harsh and insensitive to my existing family unit but it’s the truth.
My mum always told me, you don’t get two the same. And I thought I knew what that meant because my siblings and I all had very different personalities. But I didn’t know what she meant. I soon came to learn. Chalk and cheese.
Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything.Giacomo Leopardi
My Bria is a bright, bubbly, brave and somewhat rambunctious little girl. She is the life and soul of every occasion. The innocence, happiness and purest love pours out of this girl and soaks into your every pore. She is so loving and giving that she inspires others to be loving and giving. I don’t know what good deed I ever did to deserve such a blessing. A social butterfly whose heart breaks when people are sad.
It was so different this time. Bria arrived out of nowhere. I didn’t even have chance to have any pain relief as she was ready to make her entrance into the world. Bria was a summer baby so naturally, Monria and I took a short walk to the park (SPD was quite crippling by this stage). We baked cupcakes and I even had a relaxing bath and a quick nap that day. As the evening drew nearer, I was starting to feel some discomfort, I did not realise this was the start of my journey and I would be giving birth within a couple of hours. This time was a natural delivery rather than an emergency c-section.
I was so unhappy during my pregnancy with Bria because my manager at work was awful to me. I was really poorly with morning sickness for months. I hardly ate anything for the first trimester. Spent my time with my head in a toilet, not much fun at all. My manager, who was also a mum was not accommodating at all, calling me in to work for meetings about absences, questioning and belittling me for how awful I was feeling. Making me feel guilty for letting my team down. Constantly shooting disapproving looks as if my pregnancy was an inconvenience to her. It obviously was. Little did I know my Bria would be my freedom.
During maternity leave this toxicity forced me to look for my dream job as I couldn’t face returning to work. I dreamt of being a lawyer so this is what I did. Bria was my lucky charm, she was so self sufficient from such a small age, allowing me a lot of time to focus on me.
This gave me so much confidence. I wasn’t ‘just’ a mum. I was me. I was the working professional that I had always wanted to be. My mindset was so different. It was empowering. Looking back, I feel guilty for leaving Bria from 9 months old to go back to work. (She was 6 months when I went for my interview and I was still breastfeeding, I never thought I’d get the job, I was terrified). But it worked out. It worked out. It was the best thing for my family. It was a dream come true. My girls don’t have a mum who works somewhere that makes her miserable and feel unvalued. They now have a role model who has a lot of get up and go, and leads from the front.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other, for helping others.Maya Angelou
It starts with you. Love yourself. You have to be doing what’s best for you, for then to be able to do what’s best for your children. Your voice becomes their inner voice. Treat them with love and kindness. Treat yourself with love and kindness. You deserve it. You do not need to set yourself on fire, to keep others warm.
During Maternal Mental Health Week this week I would like to dedicate my Mummying blogs to all the amazing mummies out there. You’re doing great. ❤️
Reach out if you need support…talk to someone. Please. See below for useful links. Please like and share with loved ones so they know it’s ok not to be ok.
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